I feel better.
Not in a permanent way, but I think this whole pseudo-sabbatical is going to do me good in the long run. I say pseudo, but maybe sham or quasi or artificial or fake or bogus is a better qualifier for the past 58 days.
I mean I really didn't go off the deep end and backpack Europe or take a trip to Antarctica or ride the Vodka Train (or any train with alcohol) or visit Ukraine or anything I thought I wanted to do.
I did learn that I like a certain amount of financial stability and knowing that my paychecks were going to stop on 1 September really prevented me from going crazy. And this is coming from someone who doesn't have to worry about money (i.e. no sick kids or egregious debts or loans), but it's funny how it just creeps into every decision you have to make and I mean every decision.
I guess I did the best I could given all the change and instability I encountered over the past six months, but now with less than 30 days until I potentially start another career I can't help but realize I kind of worried through the last two months.
Don't get me wrong. I still had a great time traveling to Minnesota and Las Vegas and catching up with friends and making new friends and hiking the national parks and writing and reading and researching and moving to a different state. Everything was just punctuated with anxiety and worry over interviews and job applications.
And although I feel better and believe that at least 50% of each day is good, I still want to get better. I certainly don't want to continue to blame the past for my attitude problems or my inability to move forward or let go and have fun during the next month and beyond. We all know those people that blame someone or something for their unhappiness and their resentment builds up until they condemn themselves to misery for ever and ever. And that was certainly me. Trapped.
Not in a permanent way, but I think this whole pseudo-sabbatical is going to do me good in the long run. I say pseudo, but maybe sham or quasi or artificial or fake or bogus is a better qualifier for the past 58 days.
Photo: Maybe I just needed a trial run so that I can actually enjoy my next semi-retirement!
I mean I really didn't go off the deep end and backpack Europe or take a trip to Antarctica or ride the Vodka Train (or any train with alcohol) or visit Ukraine or anything I thought I wanted to do.
I did learn that I like a certain amount of financial stability and knowing that my paychecks were going to stop on 1 September really prevented me from going crazy. And this is coming from someone who doesn't have to worry about money (i.e. no sick kids or egregious debts or loans), but it's funny how it just creeps into every decision you have to make and I mean every decision.
I guess I did the best I could given all the change and instability I encountered over the past six months, but now with less than 30 days until I potentially start another career I can't help but realize I kind of worried through the last two months.
Don't get me wrong. I still had a great time traveling to Minnesota and Las Vegas and catching up with friends and making new friends and hiking the national parks and writing and reading and researching and moving to a different state. Everything was just punctuated with anxiety and worry over interviews and job applications.
And although I feel better and believe that at least 50% of each day is good, I still want to get better. I certainly don't want to continue to blame the past for my attitude problems or my inability to move forward or let go and have fun during the next month and beyond. We all know those people that blame someone or something for their unhappiness and their resentment builds up until they condemn themselves to misery for ever and ever. And that was certainly me. Trapped.
Screenshot: Extreme example of blaming issues on the past, but you get my point.
I guess I want to be done blaming the Air Force and my job for my misery and my failures and shortcomings. It's funny, but my former dreams and I just kind of grew apart and I see that as okay now and that I didn't quit. I understand it for what it was.
Even funnier is I feel so old talking to folks around here and telling them my stories. Some say I am an old soul or that I have already lived a full life, but it feels just the opposite to me.
Article: I can totally relate LOL
So I guess going forward I want to be a little less reflective and even less introspective in order to start figuring out what I really want to get out of this break. I'll keep the stories flowing, but I want to lose the caustic edge and bitterness in favor of some more humor.
Cheers!
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